Navigating the Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Seeking a Meaningful Relationship

Being a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved many, largely enjoyable years engaging in casual sex with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a committed partnership which continued for a significant period, however it never fully satisfied me, in that I didn't experience love or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I start to date any man, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men again.

Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy

Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to maintain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that many homosexual males have non-monogamous arrangements, yet from my observations, they appear like hard work, often resulting in significant pain and jealousy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire another man to love me while letting me remain sexually free, however I fear the emotional drain this might create. Should I just keep having casual sex and acknowledge that a lasting partnership is not possible? I feel a bit lost.

Every person’s sexual journey varies. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your ability to tolerate different types of intimate connections in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now may well change down the road; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and discover some clarity and a suitable route … or perhaps not. At some point you might meet a person offering a life-changing chance for you by reflecting your desires completely … and later on you may choose that casual connections are best for you. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing endless speculation is merely rooted in fear and a waste of your efforts. Aim to stay present with your partners, and recognize the worth of every individual with whom you might have a sexual connection. When and if you are ever ready to deepen true intimacy with one partner, you will know.

• The psychotherapist is a US-based therapy professional who specialises in treating intimacy issues.