{'Messiness makes you different': the actor on medication, trauma, autobiography – and filming television's most sexually frank scene

There's a telling instance in Lukas Gage's new book where he calls it a "early autobiography". It's a humble joke, of course, but it's also true. Gage isn't megawatt famous – at least not yet. Chances are, though, if you've seen him then you will remember him. In 2020, he went viral after leaking an tryout recording where the director – not realizing he wasn't on mute – was caught judging his apartment. "These poor people live in these tiny apartments," he states, before Gage steps in to let him know he can listen to every word. The following year, Gage appeared in the first season of The White Lotus: in one scene, his role Dillon is caught by a hotel guest standing completely undressed in the office, while said manager engages in a sexual act on him.

"I figured: I don't have too much to do in the show so I'd better put my mark on it big," he remarks with a smile today. "I aimed to give people something to remember me by – and I did!"

Chaotic Characters and Life

Gage excels in roles whose lives are messy and unstable – just like his own. That existence is all revealed in his memoir, which – here comes another self-deprecating joke – is titled I Wrote this Book for Attention. Although humorously engaging, its subject matter is far from simple. We begin with Gage's feelings of abandonment by his father, then move on to substance abuse, sexual abuse, family dysfunction, addiction, mental health conditions, shame, rocky romances and emotional pain. What we aren't shown all that much of is the glitz of fame. Gage freely acknowledges he is at the beginning of his profession. He has no vast stores of knowledge to impart on achievement. So what was the purpose of writing a autobiography?

"I think it's cathartic for me to share my journey," he explains over a video link from New York. "Throughout the Hollywood writers' strike I had the free time to really delve and go deep, so I just thought: why not."

Early Years and Approval

Gage, 30, was raised in San Diego, and from an young age he was aware of his constant need for validation. He remembers a gathering where he appeared, aged four, wearing high heels and costume accessories; in especial, he remembers being hurt by his dad's evident disgust at what he was doing. Their bond never really recovered – Gage's dad left and became increasingly distant with his sons (Gage has two older brothers) before starting with a different household.

Gage found it difficult to belong at school. He was a natural performer, but this meant it was often hard to know who the real Lukas was. "I was constantly trying on different personas and identities, which I think was quite polarising for people," he states. It also had its advantages. Gage could easily adopt the persona of a clean-living football player while secretly stocking his backpack up with alcohol at the rear of the shop. He was sometimes compensated by classmates to phone and pretend to be their parents to get them out of class. "Transforming into different people was effortless to me," he says.

Dependency and Family Challenges

The book addresses addiction – mainly his older brother's struggles with drugs that turn the cool brother he looked up to into a frail zombie, but also his mother's fixation with gambling devices. An early jackpot meant the household could manage to make the down payment on a bigger house, but Gage chuckles when I ask if she actually made money from gambling. "In the end, how much she spent was definitely a lot more than that."

It is amusing, he notes. Until she had read the book, his mum hadn't really reconciled with this aspect of her character. "She spoke to my siblings, like, 'Do you guys think this way too?' And they were all like, 'Naturally, we've been mentioning this since we were kids.'"

Gage has a lot of affection for his mum, who obviously raised her kids up in challenging conditions. But she had a difficulty reading it. "She felt as if she failed as a mother and I did not want her to think that way at all. I believe like even though there's these chaotic things that happened to me, tough things, I actually loved the way that I was raised."

Finding Identity and Abuse

Gage didn't begin to locate his true self until he was sent to an performance program as a youngster, where being boisterous, flamboyant and expressive was actually supported. The time was life-changing in positive ways, but also in a terrible one. One night, he was joined in his shelter by a camp counsellor who told Gage and a girl camper to kiss, remove their clothes and press their bodies against each other while he masturbated. For a long time later, he tried to dismiss the guilt it left him with.

"Like a lot of people who experience being molested, I felt like there was a complicity on my part because my body just disconnected. I knew it was wrong. I knew that the circumstance should not be happening. But I just ploughed through it."

Self-Criticism and Career Journey

Gage is tough on himself in the book – and still is. He admits to looking for "harsh reviews" of himself on the internet. "I dislike that I don't always hold my performance and writing in the best light," he says. "I wish I could have more empathy with that part of myself."

Yet he acknowledges that this doubt motivates him forward too. In high school, he featured in a wart-removal commercial and spent the day on set inquiring about every query possible about mic positioning and the role of grips. Despite his mum's concerns, he departed San Diego for Hollywood at the age of 18, residing in the Alta Cienega Motel where his hero Jim Morrison lived, on and off, between 1968 and 1970 (Tripadvisor reviews – "Stay FAR FAR AWAY from this place!" – suggest it might not have been the most comfortable of lodgings).

Gage's major opportunity should have come when he secured a small role in Mad Men, as Sally Draper's crush. He told his entire household about it, but during a wardrobe session he was forced to show the ink he'd had inked on his sides, back and leg. "I had these agents telling to me: how could you damage this? How could you mess this up? I don't think that was the greatest thing for a young adult to listen to when they've just missed out on something that big."

These days, such tattoos would be concealed in minutes, but back then he was shown the door and back to square one. The relentless cycles of auditions and rejections were brutal, but at least he had been trained well for them. "If I ever got turned down for a job, I would always feel: it's fine, it's not as bad as my dad leaving me for another family and child," he says.

Perseverance and Breakthrough

Gage continued. The story of how he deceived, pleaded and cheated to get an audition for Assassination Nation, which eventually led to a part in the popular series Euphoria (as Tyler Clarkson, bruised and in a neck brace) and then The White Lotus, could fill a book in itself. Gage recalls the oddity of filming The White Lotus in 2020, holed up in a high-end Hawaii hotel while the pandemic and the US election unfolded. It was actually Gage, along with co-star Murray Bartlett, who suggested the idea that their intimate scene should be something a bit extra – and creator Mike White readily approved. Gage laughs remembering his mum's response. "She sent me a text, like, 'Such a cute bum, but maybe next time provide a warning that's going to happen when I'm watching with my friends.'"

It was while on set that Gage shared colleagues the audition video in which his home was criticized. Their response – shocked, entertained, encouraging – convinced him to post it online. He wasn't prepared for the reaction it got: numerous articles, expressions of backing from fellow actors and strangers alike, and a crusade against the filmmaker in question, none of which Gage had any control over. "I thought like people were much more mad about it than I was, which puzzled me," he {